Parent Training- Multicultural Family

That will be us- a multicultural family. This parent training session discussed how our daughter will have to deal with racism. The session gave tips on how we can celebrate and incorporate Chinese culture into our family so that she fits. Honestly, I am not too worried about this. We have already planned to celebrate some of the Asian festivals (although maybe not Tomb Sweeping Day, as we have no tombs to sweep!). We are around a lot of other multicultural families, and many families of other races. I think this will be hard on our daughter as she gets asked why her parents are white. Maybe we need to come up with snappy comebacks for her to tell people.

The session also talked about Asian stereotypes which our daughter may have to face. Hopefully we will nuture her self-esteem so much that if she is bad at math, loud, tone deaf, and not the head of her class that she will still be able to embrace her heritage and culture.

I am hoping that this means that I get to claim to be a little bit Asian. Funny how I actually fit the stereotypes of being great at math, and near the top of my class. I usually do not get accused of being quiet though. I am looking forward to being an Asian-American family. The food, the festivals, the music. I am a little intimidated by the language, but I am intimidated by all foreign languages- see above- I am a math person!

So this will be us. The Asian-American family. Cool, huh?

We have a yard sale date!!!

On May the 5th we will be doing a huge yard sale to raise some adoption funds! If anyone has things they want to donate- that would be wonderful. We will come pick stuff up. The leftovers will be taken to Goodwill. Also if there are any yard sale experts out there- tips, tricks and advice are also welcome.

Let the Spring Cleaning Begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Parent Training- Child Development

Normal child development is useful for every parent to know, since we would not want to expect something that is developmentally impossible for the kiddo. In the parent training the focus is the possible and expected developmental delays for when arriving home. The good news is that most kids make huge strides the first 6 months home, and at the two year mark are on target with their peers. 75% of kiddos adopted from China have some sort of a delay. The training discussed 6 areas.

Growth:One month of height growth is lost for every 3 months in the orphanage. This obviously depends on the orphanage and its resources.
Feeding/nutrition: Solids are introduced late in orphanages because bottles are easier for the nannies. Toddler parents are warned that the kiddo may have never eaten solid food. There is also the issue of switching from a Chinese diet to an American diet after homecoming!
Motor skills: Many kiddos are kept in playpens or walkers and have little chance to even learn to sit unsupported.
Speech: Language disruption occurs when a kiddo goes from hearing Chinese all the time to all of a sudden hearing English all the time. Usually by 6 months of being home, the kiddos understand everything that is said to them, but they may not be too talkative yet. That's ok- Noah talks enough for our entire family :)
Cognition- At 6 months after arriving home most kiddos have caught up cognitively. About 33% have not- but usually will by 2 years.
Sensory Integration: Many kiddos living in an orphanage do not get a range of sensory experiences. Certain textures or sounds will be very different. The kiddo may not have ever seen herself in a mirror before!

We can't know how our daughter will be until we meet her, but we are confident she will catch up!

Parent Training- Attachment issues in Adoption

The next two training sessions were on attaching in adoption. This is a hot topic in adoption and in parenting circles. Healthy attachment is a goal of parenting. We want to raise emotionally healthy kids that turn into emotionally healthy adults. By teaching kids that parents can be trusted, counted upon, and will be there to help provides a foundation for adults that do not put up with abusive relationships, are more contented with life, and will foster healthy attachment in their own children.

For those that have not read up on attachment psychology- I will explain the basics. A healthy attachment is formed in the first years of life when a baby's needs are met consistently by a parent. Responding to a baby's cry is the easiest way to promote attachment. Actually responding when your kid is upset at any age fosters healthy attachment. Babies and young children are not able, nor are they supposed to self-soothe. This attachment process is disrupted a lot in orphanage situations, since the nanny to baby ratio is not 1:1 or even 1:4. Somes there is 1 nanny for dozen(s) of babies. Many children come home with attachment issues, which can be overcome by going back to the basic- responding to every need consistently. In just about every adoption book or article I have read says that this is so important. Responding to a kid's needs at night can hurry this along further, since night can be such a scary time. The adoptions that are the most successful where the kiddo attaches and adapts into the family the fastest are where the parents actively promote attachment.

I am not really worried about attaching with my new daughter- Scott and I are good at attaching with our kiddos. When Noah was born we followed our instincts and ignored the horrible advice to let him just cry himself to sleep. Unbeknownst to us at that time- there is a label for that type of parenting- Attachment Parenting. I know, very original. But if our parenting has to have a label- attachment parenting is it, I guess. One of our favorite resources has been Dr. Sears. Dr. Sears, and several of his sons actually, is a pediatrician and a Christian, and is a promoter of attachment parenting. His website explains things a lot better than I could.

Back to the parent training- when a baby cries and their needs are not met, their brains release a stress hormone. When this happens over and over, the baby lives in a constant state of stress and anxiety. Many children coming from orphanages have what is termed "orphanage behavior" that is a result of them trying to deal with the stress- things like rocking, rubbing, repetitive behaviors, etc. They have not had anyone to meet their needs- I can imagine how stressful that is!!

There are things that can be done beginning at Gotcha Day that can promote attachment- like hugging, holding, rocking. Depending on the problem with attaching, suggestions such as only the parents provide food, sleeping with the kiddo, and not being more than a few feet apart can help. Its like having a newborn again!!

I think the thing to remember is that I will have to prove to my daughter I love her. I can tell her, and she may believe me in her mind (once she even understands what "i love you" means)- but if my actions do not follow my words- they are meaningless. The number one thing to prove love to a kiddo is spend time with them. Many of you know when my boys were little, I spent as much time as possible with them. That will be the same for my daughter. For a while, she will be stuck to me or Scott. We won't have the attachment foundation of meeting her newborn needs-and she will not speak english. Good thing that when showing love, actions speak louder than words!

Parent Training- Discussing Adoption

Gone are they days where an adopted child did not know until they were older, an adult, or not ever finding out. Adoption is also getting more common, and I think most people know someone who is or has adopted. It will be hard to talk about how my daughter was most likely abandoned. It is part of her life story.

The thing that we need to figure out is how much of her story to share and with whom. It will be pretty obvious to everyone that she is adopted. I am sure we will get weird comments, some born out of curiosity, some wanting to share opinions, and some hostile comments (is she your real daughter/sister/cousin is one adoptive families get a lot!). We tend to be private people anyway, so I have a feeling that we will let her share what she wants to share. It is her story, after all. We will probably take this same route regarding her special need if it is not obvious.

The parent training has some great ideas on talking, and some great kids books that discuss it. The idea I really like is a lifebook. A lifebook is simply about the kiddo's life- beginning at birth. It can be a scrapbook, and it has pages for things like birth parents, early photos if you have them. People add pages with info about the Chinese province they are from, the orphanage, etc. I definitely want to do this- I think it is a beautiful way to celebrate her journey before us and until she meets us! I think having something like this will help discussions and understanding of who she is. We have to get matched with her before I start it though!!!

Paperwork update: we have everything in hand except Scott's physical and labs which he is getting done this week. Then it will all get notarized, certified by the sec of state, and authenticated!!! Scott's meeting with our social worker is next week, then she will do a home visit. I hope she types the homestudy fast!! Our passports should arrive in the mail soon!

Parent Training- Intro and session 1

China requires 12 hours of parent training, and our agency has on on-line program that allows us to meet those requirements. The Hague treaty (which governs the adoptions between the US and several countries, including China) requires 10 hours. I thought I would blog about the training, especially since it is all adoption related!

The intro session went over the basics of the adoption process and the paperchase (dossier stuff and immigration stuff). It did contain some interesting information. 70% of the kids placed through our agency are in an orphanage, and 30% are in foster care. The foster care system is vastly different than the US though- as there is no required training or background checking or standardization. Developmental delays just from living in an institutional setting are very common. It seems like the kids are 1 month behind for every 3 months they live in an orphanage (so a 12 month old will be developmentally on target for an 8 month old).

Session 2 was on grief and loss. They just jump right in there don't they? Grief and loss are a huge part of adoption though, and I think it will be very hard for me. Scott and I are not strangers to grief and loss- so we know we can get through this. My heart already breaks for my daughter that is going through, and will go through more grief and loss. She lost her birth parents, through no fault of her own. She will lose her birth country. She will lose a big part of her culture (we plan to incorporate what we can- but it will not be the same). She will lose her caregivers. Of course the gains outweigh the losses, or we would not be doing this, but that is not what the session was about.

I keep thinking forward to gotcha day! I can't wait to hold my daughter and get to know her. But through her eyes, it may be very scary. She may not understand what is going on. She may have never seen a white woman before. She may cry, or scream, or kick, or run away, or just shut down. I have a feeling that she and I will both be crying.

To overcome grief, attaching and bonding are the basis. Talking about her lifestory often, acknowledging her birthparents, and working through this with her will help. Anyone who has experienced a loss knows that the grief comes and goes. We are expecting this. I am not looking forward to seeing my daughter hurting, but I will be there for her. No parent wants to see their kid hurting. A hello kitty won't make this boo-boo better, but love, and time, and facing the grief head on will help my girl heal.

The Money Trail AKA why adoption costs so much!

I thought that you may want to see the breakdown of expenses for our adoption. I will also explain what each is for.

Application fee and first agency fee: 3,550 (this covers homestudy, initial background check, and the behind the scenes work they do for us- like check the waiting kids list!) This has been paid!! (this is where we are on the check writing- lol)

USCIS Filing and fingerprinting- 890. This is basically our daughter's immigration application. This allows us to bring her into the country as a US citizen. They do a background check and who knows what else!!?? The department of homeland security is who we send this check to.

Dossier Preparation- about 450. This is the fee paid to the chinese consulate- they check our documents and sign off on it.

Second program fee- 2,300- This is paid to our agency for their part of the dossier (translation, and they send it to China and have it hand-delivered to the CCWA (China's version of DFCS)

CCWA fee- 775-1,150 (depends on when we get matched). This is paid to CCWA to process our application on the China side!!

Third program fee- 2,600- Last payment to our agency. Covers child matching expenses, their services in China during travel, and the post-adoption home visits required by China.

Visa to enter China- 140 per person- this is paid the the chinese consulate

Airfare to china!!!! (can't wait to get to this step)- we need 2 round-trip tickets, and 1- one way for our daughter!! 1,000-2,000 per ticket.

In-China travel and hotel and such- 3,000 for 2.

Adoption registration and notarization- 400-800. This is fees paid to the local chinese government for paperwork.

Child's passport- 100-150- paid in China.

Orphanage fee- about 5,500. This goes to the orphanage where our daughter is.

Child physical- 80. They require a doctor's visit before leaving China, and it isn't free!

Child US Entry Visa- 404- so she can enter the US!!!


The fees that are not listed are gathering the certified documents, getting our passports renewed, and my maternity leave from work!

So there you go. The money trail.