The next two training sessions were on attaching in adoption. This is a hot topic in adoption and in parenting circles. Healthy attachment is a goal of parenting. We want to raise emotionally healthy kids that turn into emotionally healthy adults. By teaching kids that parents can be trusted, counted upon, and will be there to help provides a foundation for adults that do not put up with abusive relationships, are more contented with life, and will foster healthy attachment in their own children.
For those that have not read up on attachment psychology- I will explain the basics. A healthy attachment is formed in the first years of life when a baby's needs are met consistently by a parent. Responding to a baby's cry is the easiest way to promote attachment. Actually responding when your kid is upset at any age fosters healthy attachment. Babies and young children are not able, nor are they supposed to self-soothe. This attachment process is disrupted a lot in orphanage situations, since the nanny to baby ratio is not 1:1 or even 1:4. Somes there is 1 nanny for dozen(s) of babies. Many children come home with attachment issues, which can be overcome by going back to the basic- responding to every need consistently. In just about every adoption book or article I have read says that this is so important. Responding to a kid's needs at night can hurry this along further, since night can be such a scary time. The adoptions that are the most successful where the kiddo attaches and adapts into the family the fastest are where the parents actively promote attachment.
I am not really worried about attaching with my new daughter- Scott and I are good at attaching with our kiddos. When Noah was born we followed our instincts and ignored the horrible advice to let him just cry himself to sleep. Unbeknownst to us at that time- there is a label for that type of parenting- Attachment Parenting. I know, very original. But if our parenting has to have a label- attachment parenting is it, I guess. One of our favorite resources has been Dr. Sears. Dr. Sears, and several of his sons actually, is a pediatrician and a Christian, and is a promoter of attachment parenting. His website explains things a lot better than I could.
Back to the parent training- when a baby cries and their needs are not met, their brains release a stress hormone. When this happens over and over, the baby lives in a constant state of stress and anxiety. Many children coming from orphanages have what is termed "orphanage behavior" that is a result of them trying to deal with the stress- things like rocking, rubbing, repetitive behaviors, etc. They have not had anyone to meet their needs- I can imagine how stressful that is!!
There are things that can be done beginning at Gotcha Day that can promote attachment- like hugging, holding, rocking. Depending on the problem with attaching, suggestions such as only the parents provide food, sleeping with the kiddo, and not being more than a few feet apart can help. Its like having a newborn again!!
I think the thing to remember is that I will have to prove to my daughter I love her. I can tell her, and she may believe me in her mind (once she even understands what "i love you" means)- but if my actions do not follow my words- they are meaningless. The number one thing to prove love to a kiddo is spend time with them. Many of you know when my boys were little, I spent as much time as possible with them. That will be the same for my daughter. For a while, she will be stuck to me or Scott. We won't have the attachment foundation of meeting her newborn needs-and she will not speak english. Good thing that when showing love, actions speak louder than words!
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